Clues for the Clueless

This post has been in draft for a long long time.  I think it’s missing a few clues so please add your own in the comments:

Clues for the Clueless
a guide for men on nice things they could and should do for their wives

1. Come home when you say that you’ll come home, at the time that you said that you would be home.  Not 20 minutes after that time, not 15 minutes after that time, at that time.  For example if you say “I’ll be home at 7:30pm” come home at 7:30pm, not 7:55 or 8:03 or 7:42.
2. When your wife says “Doesn’t Chinese food sound good” your response should be one of the following, do not STRAY from these responses and for goodness sake don’t say no.
   1. Yes, it does.  What would you like and I’ll order it and pick it up.
   2. Yes, it does.  Do you want your favorite sesame shrimp or chicken and broccoli tonight?  (Actually knowing the favorite increases your odds of scoring, and lets be honest since you turned 12 that was the primary goal of every day.)
   3. Yes, it does.  How about I get the chicken and broccoli and you can get the sesame shrimp and then you’ll be able to have a little bit of EACH of your favorites.
3. A man invented Halmark to get laid.  Follow his lead and visit the store, buy the card, write something personal in the card, do not just sign your name.  Don’t have someone else get the card, like your mother, don’t ask your mother to pick up the card, YOU go to Halmark and buy the card, write something in it and then sign your name.  Then give the card to your wife.  You get extra credit if the card was clearly sealed more then 20 seconds before you give the card to your wife.
4. Make the effort to do something nice.  Go to a store and buy a gift your wife has casually mentioned…you’ll notice this will have required you to pay attention to your wife, so you’ll need to do that too.  If you’re late as in example one don’t come home empty handed; an $.85 bag of m&m’s will at least make your wife smile.
5. Watch 15 minutes of any soap opera and listen to what a man is saying to a women that leads to an embrace…now think about what you could say to your wife that would lead to an embrace.  Go say that.  You’ll note that thinking is involved here.
6. Eliminate this phrase from your mind “What else do you want from me?” and never, ever, ever say it again
7. When your wife says “my back is killing me” the very next words out of your mouth should be “well, get over here and I’ll rub your back for a few minutes” THEN, and this is key, ACTUALLY rub her back - don’t just put your hands on her shoulders for a second and then lose interest in the game that’s on tv.
8. When your wife says “would you like to do something special just the two of us on Saturday night” you should say “yeah, why don’t I make reservations someplace and surprise you.”  THEN actually make reservations somewhere.  DO NOT just ‘play it by ear’ and NOT make a reservation, don’t say “sure, whatever you want, just tell me when I need to be ready.”, don’t say “yeah, lets eat where we always eat, and hey, lets not have a romantic dinner, lets invite my entire extended family to join us.”
9. As you walk past things that you have left out of place I want you to A. Recognize them as objects and B. Put them back.  This is going to be a challenge, but let’s try to push the bar a little here.
10. Notice ANYTHING.  Here’s a few things you could notice:  the laundry was put away, she is wearing pretty earrings, she showered, the carpet is vacuumed, the electricity is on which implies that she paid the electric bill, that color really brings out her eyes, she is really interesting and smart - how on earth did you get so lucky, dinner was made and it was delicious.
11. Ask this question “How was your day” and then I want you to do something REALLY crazy, I want you to look her in the eye and actually LISTEN to what she has to say, nodding occasionally.  DO NOT interrupt your wife after she says 3 words to tell her how YOUR day was, DO NOT go into details about how your day was so much BETTER/WORSE then her day was.

There….before I print this out for the Fridge, ladies do you have any additions?